Written by Carter: I have been writing thoughts down throughout the week. I’m not going to take the time to organize them, so this may be somewhat of a “free-association” letter. To begin, I wanted everyone to know that I’m feeling better than last week. To paraphrase another grieving parent, “We haven’t gotten over missing Ashton, but have gotten (somewhat) used to it.” Fortunately, the times I feel badly usually only happen every few months now and only last a few days (at most). They seem to especially coincide with significant dates, like the anniversary of his death, his birthday, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, etc. It’s mostly that I just miss Ashton. Other than Heavenly Father Himself, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a “perfect father;” I certainly wasn’t. However, I don’t have any major or persistent regrets about my interactions with Ashton when he was alive. I feel blessed that I’m not angry at Ashton or Faye or God or myself or anyone else; I understand that some people in my situation might feel all or some of these emotions. I’m not worried about the status of Ashton’s soul. When Elder Renlund said, “Your boy is fine,” that was enough for me. Again, I’m grateful for all of my living children and grandchildren; I have been undeservedly-blessed. I have an amazing wife. I had almost 22 years with Ashton; I have some great memories with him; I just miss him! I feel a little embarrassed being so open with how I’m feeling in these letters. I write this much detail for two reasons: a) it helps me sort through my feelings as I write and b) I hope it helps someone else in some way. My favorite TV series currently is “The Chosen,” which depicts the fictional backstory of Christ’s apostles and followers. In one scene, Simon Peter says to Jesus, “I don’t need to tell you what I’m thinking; you already know.” Jesus responds, “Simon, it does not take God’s wisdom to know what you are thinking!” — meaning that Simon’s thoughts and emotions are quite apparent most the time. When it comes to my writing, I must be like that somewhat, also. Janette LeSueur shared a podcast with us by Brene Brown where she interviews an expert who wrote a book about grief. He defines the last stage of grief is “meaning-making,” or finding “meaning” in whatever the tragedy is one is going through. I like that thought, which gives me some “scaffolding” (his word) upon which to build my healing. I believe there are some things that I can only learn through grief: for example, empathy for others who are going through devastating life losses; my heart goes out to them much more now than it did before Ashton’s death. The “darkness” of grief also helps me appreciate the “brightness” of happy times. As odd as this is for me to write, I wonder if the contrasting grief might even amplify the joy I am able to feel? As I thought about grief last week, an image came to mind of taking off in an airplane, which has to pass through a layer of clouds before breaking into the sunlight. I’m not a pilot, but my understanding is that the pilot must rely on his instruments while passing through the clouds; his vision is limited. Passing through grief may be similar: at times, my vision is “clouded.” I am grateful for the “instruments” that help me navigate during those times: prayer, scripture study, temple worship, service to others, my patriarchal blessing, living prophets and apostles, other Church leaders, the teachings of my parents, the Holy Ghost, God’s love, Christ’s Atonement, etc. As I prepared for this week’s Sunday School lesson, I read about how Christ descended below all things. An image came into my mind of all the collective sorrows and sins of the world being a huge, heavy mass. Christ positions Himself under that mass, places His shoulders under it…and lifts. I love that thought. Christ knows my suffering perfectly. I thought of how growth can be painful. When children are growing, sometimes they have achy muscles/bones/joints at night after an active day. There is an actual medical condition called “growing pains.” Whenever I have done a new activity with my muscles, they are often sore the next day. That tells me that what I did required some effort, which was probably good for those muscles. Of course, that can be overdone to cause injury. However, growth is sometimes/often painful! I heard a comparison between buffaloes and cows: when a snowstorm is approaching, the natural instinct of buffaloes is to walk toward the storm. The result is they get through the storm more quickly. Conversely, cows tend to walk away from the storm…prolonging the time they are in the storm. One selfish hope for me is that, by sharing how I feel, I am “walking into the storm.” Some “storms” of life I cannot just walk around, over or under; I can try to walk away from it or “negotiate” with it…but sometimes the best way is to “walk into the storm.” I’m striving to become an expert in my own healing. Our blog’s subtitle is “Grieving with God’s Guidance.” I don’t remember how we came up with that, but I still like it. After Ashton died, Mary Pat Lansing, one of my music teachers from 5th-12th grade (now close to 90-years old) asked me, “How do people get through things like this without God?” My response: “I don’t know…and I don’t want to find out.” I appreciate her helping me remember to look to my one and only true source of comfort and peace: God. I love learning about God, my Creator, which helps me understand one of His creations: me. As the Creator, He knows how I am made. He knows the laws I need to obey to be happy and joyful. The better I know Him, the better I understand His laws and the more likely I am to follow those laws. As you observe me walking my path, I hope you notice the path I’m trying to walk more than you do how I am walking the path. I have and do and will make mistakes. However, quoting Leo Tolstoy: “…If I know the way home [but] am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way simply because I am staggering from side to side?…give your help [to anyone — whether that be me or anyone else — trying to walk the road back to God.]” I must say that people have been very kind, patient, supportive, forgiving and understanding. Thank you. Please keep the kindness coming…and I’ll do my best to do the same for you!

Faye’s birthday was Monday. Several of the other senior missionaries gave her some very thoughtful gifts. Some “heart-attacked” our front door. Today is Mother’s Day; happy Mother’s Day to all you women out there…whether you have borne children or not; Eve was called “the mother of all living” before she bore any children.
I served my mission as a young man in Venezuela; those people hold a dear place in my heart. When we were in Peru, we got very close to two brothers from Venezuela who were about our children’s ages. We called them our “adopted sons.” We have kept in contact with them since we left Peru. A couple of Sundays ago, one of them texted me and asked what I was doing; I told him I was observing the Lord’s day of rest. He then asked me to share a scripture with him, which I did (John 10:16, pointing out that Christ’s “other sheep” are the people in the Americas, whom He visited after His Resurrection and Ascension into Heaven — as taught in the Book of Mormon). I also shared James 1:5, which is the scripture that prompted Joseph Smith to pray and ask God which church he should join and initiated the appearance of God, the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ to Joseph. About a week later, I asked “my son” if he would like to meet with the missionaries; he said “yes.” The My Tools app has a way to generate a referral, which I did. About 10 minutes after sending that referral, “my son” texted me that the missionaries in Peru had contacted him and set up a lesson the following day! I was able to participate with a 3-way video call with the missionaries, “my son” and his wife! They have had 3 lessons so far, with plans for baptism 30 May! Wow! The lessons have been very good; they both seem to be very engaged and sincere. My love for them and for their desire to follow God’s will for them has increased so much! What a miracle to be a part of this process using using technology!

I have been asked to “weigh in” on a tough medical case in one of the islands. A young Church member may have cancer. They need to have surgery on their abdomen to make that determination. However, the hygiene in the island is not very good; there are concerns that the patient will get an infection. We are considering moving her to another island that has very good medical facilities. However, the pandemic has complicated movement between countries. Church leaders are reluctant to approve Church funds unless they have exhausted all local resources and there is a reasonable chance that the patient will respond to treatment. Since I don’t know for sure whether there is cancer or not, I don’t know how to comment on the patient’s prognosis. Please pray for me as I give my input on this case.
Yesterday, I took two 25-question quizzes to maintain my family medicine board certification. I’m grateful that the Lord has prepared my mind to be a physician, that I’m able to help other people, that I enjoy learning. The quizzes are actually “fun” for me; it’s like working a puzzle. I know that’s weird, but I do. I’m also glad I live in a time and place where this is an option for me. Uncle Walter McRae (Grandmother’s brother) said he would have liked to be a physician, but he didn’t have the finances (in the 1920s-30s) to pursue that route. I’m grateful for all who made my education and training possible.