Written by Carter. This is the email I sent to my family. I felt like I should share it on the blog, also:

I had a zoom call to train the new Auckland mission president – and his wife (President & Sister Eccles) – on how do use the Church’s medical software. I look forward to serving with them. I had another video conference with the other health professionals in the area – to discuss missionaries that might need to go home. Numbers are quite low, so we didn’t have much to discuss this time. I also had a video call with the US hearing aid professional on how to get the device to work that streams the audio from the TV to my hearing aids. It was great to use technology over such a long distance in all these instances! It is no wonder that prophets of old marveled to see our day – with its many technological advancements!

That’s all for my updates on my area medical advisor responsibilities. I’m now going to talk about how I’ve been doing emotionally over the last week. Some people seem to want to know that. Some seem to be less interested – which is OK. To the latter group: please feel free to skip the rest of my letter. 

As we mentioned last week, April 30 was Ashton‘s 28th birthday. I even bought him a birthday card! Hannah Evans also painted a beautiful card and sent it to us. We heard from several in our “adopted family” that we met while serving in Peru. Because New Zealand is 17-19 hours ahead of the US, the other senior missionaries remembered Ashton on our Thursday – and people in the US remembered him on our Friday. We appreciated that very much, but it was exhausting to do that for two days. In the future, we’re going to find a way to consolidate those remembrances into one day – probably to coincide with the US date.

We debated a little bit on how much to tell the other Senior Missionaries about Ashton. They had a zoom family home evening last Monday. Faye and I were both struggling that day and didn’t feel like we could participate. I called our leader and told him why we were would not be there – and gave him permission to share with the other missionaries about Ashton‘s suicide and his upcoming birthday. I’m glad we did that. I don’t want to be a “poor me,“ but how do they know when they need to “mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort” – unless we tell them how we are feeling? If someone else were having a tough time, I would like to know so I can be helpful if possible. This is our “village” or “tribe” while we’re away from home. Several of them reached out to us with loving messages & emails. With chocolate! They gave us flowers and a card, brought us dinner and treats later in the week. I really appreciated that love and support. Faye made some brownies that we delivered to the other senior missionaries on Ashton’s birthday, complete with a birthday candle in the middle of each one! Faye is awesome at finding ways to serve others during difficult times!

One of the senior missionaries shared a TED Talk that I had seen a few years ago. The speaker’s husband had died from cancer. She had remarried and was doing quite well. People had mentioned “moving on,” but she said that would mean leaving memories with her deceased husband behind. She likes the term “moving forward” with her husband’s death better. I agree. She also questioned why we sometimes react differently to hard things than to happy things. When someone’s child has a birthday, we don’t say to them, “So your kid turned 5 today…get over it!”

Several years ago, Henry B. Eyring spoke about when his grandmother Eyring was dying of stomach cancer. She was staying with her daughter, who reported that Grandma Eyring complained only once, and then it was not really a complaint but just to say that it hurt. It was comforting for me to be validated when I say that grief hurts, also. For me, it hurts in my chest. It’s physical pain. An intense “boo-hoo” out-loud crying episode for several minutes helps get that pain out. If I try to suppress it, it prolongs the pain and I get a headache. Faye and our children are the only ones around whom I have allowed myself that expression of grief. I have done that a few times while driving alone, also. As I listen to myself, I sound funny when I cry like that, but I don’t really care. 

This week, my physical and mental stamina was decreased. I needed to take longer and more-frequent naps. Once, I had to ask Faye to not ask me to make a decision on what to do with some medical supplies she was going through and deciding what to keep/not keep. We have been playing the game Azul with two widowed senior missionaries who live in our apartment building. We usually play two games, but I’ve only been up to playing one game. It’s helpful for me to watch good comedy. I’ve found some good ones on VidAngel, which has clean comedians…and/or cuts out the objectionable portions of their routines. It’s very healing to laugh! 

I’ve also found it helpful to listen to uplifting music. My favorite song right now is “Alleluia” by the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square. I’ve always had trouble understanding song lyrics, but this one only has one word that is repeated throughout the song, so I do OK. I find SO much comfort in that song! God is so good!

I have continued to pray and study scriptures daily. It’s also been helpful to meditate: 25 minutes twice a day; it helps me stay “present” in what is going on right now, rather than ruminating over the past or worrying about the future.

I’ve also found it helpful to reach out to friends. Several of them have mentioned they were praying for me/us this week. That means a lot to me. I listened to a podcast about loneliness, something more prevalent in men as they age. They asked the men, “Who would you ask if you needed help?” Many men say, “Besides my wife, I would be hard-pressed to name anyone (or more than 1 or 2 people) that I could ask for help.” Thankfully, I am blessed with many, many friends. I am also blessed with the desire to “mend fences” when relationships might have been injured. I have tried to ask forgiveness when I have made mistakes and to speak with other people directly when I have allowed my feelings to be hurt. What a blessing that has been EVERY time! It has been hard to initiate, but has consistently resulted in a stronger relationship with the individual involved. Every time!

There is a medical/psychological condition called “complicated grief.” I read my medical reference (UpToDate) to see if I might have that. I really don’t think I do, but I do have some risk factors (I have underlying atypical depression (that is being treated with fluoxetine), Ashton died of suicide (traumatic death increases risk in survivors) and he is my son (death of a child tends to take a heavier toll other relationship deaths)). Mental and physical health professionals should be alert to suicide risk in those who might have complicated grief. I have been very introspective about this and have not ever felt suicidal before or since Ashton’s death (in case anyone is wondering). I am striving to take care of my health. I exercise. I take appropriate precautions when crossing the street, driving in the car, etc. I miss Ashton, but I’m willing to trust the Lord on when I see him again; I have no desire to speed up that reunion.

I sometimes wonder if it’s healthy for me to “bare my soul” like this. I don’t know, but it seems to be. One of my motivations is I hope it’s helpful for others who might be going through hard times. Life is meant to be a testing/proving grounds. Everyone reading this is going through tough times; my situation is not harder or worse than anyone else’s, but it’s helpful for me to remember that God weeps when I weep; he rejoices when I rejoice. There is peace in Christ amidst the storms of life. The Lord qualifies whom He calls…including those He calls to endure hard times. I read a book about Abraham Lincoln, who clarified his vision to free the slaves after the death of his son, which drove him to his knees in grief. I’ve tried to be aware of and grateful for the blessings that have come and are coming BECAUSE of Ashton’s death. One that immediately comes to mind is increased empathy for others who are struggling, especially with their mental health. I wonder what compensatory blessings the Lord will YET give me because of Ashton’s death? I don’t know, but I trust Him, His wisdom, His love, His justice, His mercy, His grace, His timing, His patience, His benevolence, His kindness. He is my Father. I am His son. What a wonderful thing to know and believe! And so are you! Nothing can separate us from His love! He may not approve of something I am doing, but He will never stop loving me. He cannot do it!