My mom and I were discussing what we were going to have for our Easter dinner. Deviled eggs was first on my list. I have to make them. Ashton loved deviled eggs. He’s the one who would eat most of them if I let him. I HAVE to make them for Easter. There’s no other option….even though he’s not here to enjoy them. I’m making them for him. It’s for the same reason I bought Peeps. No one likes them in our family but him. But I bought them anyway. I bought them for Ashton, just as I would have if he were here. I put them in the Easter package I sent to his brother Jacob. I had to buy them. I had no other option.

Does anyone else have to do that for their loved ones? Do you buy things and make things that they loved and treasured, even though they won’t get used? I bought sour gummy worms for Ashton’s stocking at Christmas knowing that no one would eat them. They are tucked away in his closet… that still needs to be cleaned out.

My “favorite” red-headed niece asked me at our last family gathering, “So, what’s new in St. David?” In my mind I said, “Well, my son is buried in the St. David cemetery and his headstone just came in. It’s been really hard. That’s what’s new for me.” But… I didn’t say that. All I said was… ‘Not much.” I should have just told her that. I think she could have handled it, but it was a happy occasion and I didn’t want to make anyone else sad. My brother did ask me how I was doing after that conversation. I told him the truth… “Most of the time I’m OK, but sometimes I’m not.” I shed some tears too. Thanks for asking.

I love this quote. It is written exactly how I feel. (See #1 below)

“He is my child.  He always will be.  I think about him and what he is doing  almost just as much as I think about my other kids and what they are doing. He is not living, so the day-to-day activities of my living children take precedence.  But, he is literally always on my mind.”