Ashton as a scout at the pinewood derby

I was angry today. Angry with this grief that runs my life and seems to hold me back. It’s holding me back from the things I want to  do.

I used to love to cook for my family. Now I can barely get a simple breakfast made. It’s too much for me. I used to love to make bread. I want to send some bread to my son on a mission in Spokane. If I send it priority mail during the winter, he can get it in two days and it’s still good. I just can’t do that anymore.

I have a quilt I want to make for my daughter and Christmas stockings to finish for my new granddaughters. I can’t do it.

I used to love to read.  There’s a series of culinary mysteries I used to love. I can’t read them anymore. I can’t handle dead bodies or guns anymore. I can’t even concentrate to get through a chapter if I really try. I can’t even make it through a simple children’s novel.

I want to go outside and walk down Sybil Road like I used to do but I can’t handle running into people and pretending everything is wonderful.

I can’t even teach a class at church. I’ve been asked to. I tell them yes hoping I can do it and have to call them back to tell them I can’t. It’s too vulnerable a situation for me right now. I can’t handle the thought of losing it while I’m up there and not being able to get out of the situation.

I want to start going to my yoga class again, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t handle the thought of losing it in front of everyone there. Physical exertion seems to bring me to tears. It makes me cry. I know its a good thing and it needs to come out, but I can’t do that there yet.

I’ve written about what I can’t do. There has to be some things that I can still do…. What are they…..?  Thinking…. OK…

I can still get up in the morning.

I can still get my laundry done.

I can keep my houseplants alive. I have a poinsettia that someone gave me for Christmas that is still thriving.

I can still love on my grandchildren. I did it today. It was my happiness for the day.

I can cherish and be grateful for my family. My good husband, my children and grandchildren who bring me so much joy. My parents who are so kind and helpful. My sisters and my good brother…  I love them so much. They are my best friends.

I can still pray. I still want to pray. I talk to my Heavenly Father quite often during the day.

I still have hope that things will get better and easier. I hear stories of other people’s grief journeys and they say that it gets better and easier. That gives me hope.

I can still take care of my chickens. (By the way, I have a rooster that needs to find another home.  Ha! He and I don’t get along. He’s not my friend. He’s beautiful as far as roosters go.. but I don’t like him. He’s mean. I need happiness in my back yard. He’s not a contributor to that.  Any takers? He would probably make some great chicken soup, but I’m not up to that. I’m serious!)

There…. I feel a little better.

Yes, that’s real life for me today. I don’t always feel like this. Today was just too much for me to take. The calmer side of me is tempted to apologize for writing this, but I’m not going to.  Sometimes pretending everything is Ok is too hard. I know I don’t have the corner on down days. There are many people on the earth who are grieving. If you are having a down day, I pray that you can feel the Lord’s blessing of peace and comfort. I know he can do that. He has promised that He will not leave us comfortless. I know He keeps His promises.

Miss you, Ash….

Written by Faye on April 9, 2015