Recently, a long time friend asked me…. cautiously….”Is there anything you would do differently?”

I have thought and thought about that. She did caution me to be gentle with myself. Thank you for asking.

I have been looking at pictures of Ashton. There are loads of pictures documenting his life. Many, many with his siblings. Quite a few with his dad. I really wish there were more of him…. and me.

I wanted to be sure, so I took down his photo albums again and started turning the pages. It was a tearful time, looking through that album in search of me and not finding myself there. I am his mother… but there is a handful of newborn pictures and only one more of me with him in all those pictures. I did a whole lot more with that boy that just give birth to him!

Ashton and Mom – 1 hour old

Ashton and Mom – 8 years old

What would I  do differently? One big thing is:

I would get out from behind that safe spot in back of the camera and get in those pictures with my children! 

In choosing what I wanted to do differently, I decided that I want to choose those things that I can do something about now. I had some things on my list that I could do nothing about anymore. Choosing to concentrate on them would have been a waste of time, energy and tears. I took them off the list. In fact, I don’t really have a list anymore. It wasn’t helpful.

(My friend’s reminder to be gentle was key)

I can choose now which side of the camera I want to be on.

So…. here is my beginning. I started last Saturday.

Jacob and Mom – Hike behind Kartchner Caverns – February 27, 2016

We went on a hike with Jacob, and I had Carter take a picture of us. My face is more round than I want it to be. My hair is in a ponytail, whispy and windblown. I don’t have any makeup on. It’s not perfect or professional. But we had a great time together! That hike was documented and I was there…. with my son! That’s all that matters! Nothing else matters! I can’t go back and make that memory again. But I have that picture of him…. and me. No perfect makeup or perfect number on the scale can take the place of that. It just doesn’t matter anymore.

Written by Faye