I sent a Facebook message to my sisters:

“FYI – I just need to tell someone….I’m finally putting Ashton’s quilt in the washing machine, on delicate, to wash it. It’s time…little bit of tears, but I’m OK. Thanks for listening!”

After I wrote that to my sisters and read their comments,  there were LOTS of tears. It’s a huge milestone for me.  I made that quilt for him when he went to college. It’s the only blanket he used. It was a snugly kind of blanket, not rigid or heavily quilted.  He would wrap himself in it on the couch and read or watch a movie or sleep. It was still there on the couch the morning he died. I wrapped myself in it and smelled him. I told myself I would never wash it.

He was up early that morning laying on his stomach on the couch with the quilt over him. He was so quiet, not sleeping, just quiet. I was on my way to an appointment, hurrying out the door. I reminded him about taking out the garbage and feeding the chickens. He had  those things done when I got home 2 hours later. He liked to keep me happy and make life comfortable for me.

It’s the quilt I use when I take a nap or just feel chilled when sitting in the recliner watching something on television. It was hard to use at first, but I can use it now. It’s a comfort to me. It is the one thing that still smells like him. Sometimes I would get it out just to smell it.

I just took Ashton’s quilt out of the washing machine and it’s drying now on my bed with the ceiling fan going. His smell is gone… just like he is. There’s a new smell. I used unscented Downey with lots of wild orange essential oil. It’s my favorite scent right now.

Today I was ready. Today I’m moving on in this small way. Cleaning out some of the past. I still have things to clean out, even from the funeral. It’s a start.

Here’s what’s going in my Happiness Jar tonight:

“Ashton’s quilt is clean and fresh again with a new smell. It’s still his… but now it’s mine with a clean new scent for a new start.”

It’s a small milestone, but important to me.

Written by Faye